Torch of Triumph

Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Face of Triumph’]

The ‘Torch of Triumph' was a key move demonstrated on BBC Spotlight Live. 

Start off crouching on the dancefloor, like Gollum squatting on a rock & chomping on a raw fish. Then, slowly rise up from the squat position, with one arm straight up in the air, as if you’re holding a flaming Olympic torch aloft, like the Statue of Liberty.

Once you’re standing tall and holding your theoretical torch as high as you can muster, bellow out your loudest Lion roar, with the zest of victory!

Repeat accordingly.

Origins

“By the halls of Vahalla, tiz has been a great year for mindless, bloody slaughter!” proclaimed Konáll The Unbearable. The year in question was 869 A.D. and the man in question was the insane Viking leader of the ferocious Skaldaklak clan of berserkers.

‘Crush, Destroy & Bellow’ Campaign of Carnage

Konáll’s thirst for battle and craving for extreme gore was considered by competent historians as being ‘completely out of control’, and his 70 years of monumentally destructive North Atlantic invasions (predominantly Scotland) was carved into the ‘Sacred Book of Krall’*.

Konáll’s ‘Wonder Years’

Focusing on a small era of particular carnage, significant savage bloodshed commenced from 865 A.D. However, during the summer of 869, Konáll began to favour his trusty, rusty, skull-encrusted (four metre) battlexe, named ‘Jemima’.

Jemima

Accordingly to the ‘Sacred Book of Krall’*, he ‘treated Jemina to a lavish Walnut handle (with Peachtree trim), which greatly improved his swinging, slicing & hacking action…He also started wresting goats [Scandinavia’s national sport], to strengthen his dwarf-like arms.’

With Jemima in hand, and brimming with new-found overconfidence, Konáll The Unbearable spent that ‘Summer of 69’ stomping around ramsacked Scottish villages, and recklessly showing off his ultimate fighting manoeuvre, ‘The Spinning Valkyrie’ (the forefather of ‘Olympic Hammer Throwing’). By pivoting on his stubby, sandal-less left foot, Konáll would continually spin around, slicing through opponents like a barbaric blender, until the battlefields fell deadly silent (literally).

European historians comment that during this dark period, ‘the slaughterism inflicted by Konáll was truly eyewatering and his decapitation rate is still one of the highest on record.” Also, due to an unfortunate map-reading misunderstanding, Konáll & his Skaldaklak Clan managed to pillage & burn down his own Viking home village (Oslo). Twice. 

Torch of Triumph

After a good ole conquering & pillaging campaign, Konáll and his berserkers would always celebrate with their now infamous act of celebration, the ‘Torch of Triumph’. Once all the surviving Scottish male, female & child inhabitants had fled from the barbaric berserk, the victorious Viking victors would crouch down on the ground, each holding a flaming torch.

They would then slowly rise up from a squat position, with one arm straight up in the air, and set light to all the empty straw dwellings, whilst roaring & bellowing “Fackla Triumf” aloud (‘Torch of Triumph’ in Swedish). This act of honour was to gratify the great Odin, Valkyries and Norse gods, as they feasted in the majestic ‘Hall of the Slain’ (Valhalla) in Asgard.

Declining Kilt Sales

Not everyone was a fan of Konáll The Unbearable’s killing sprees or celebratory ‘Torch of Triumph’, especially the Scots. In 876 A.D., Mack McMickneemack ranted that Konáll’s Scottish campaign of terror had left his kilt business in absolute tatters. According to Mack, his “highland mud shop is stacked sky-high with 1.2 million adult male kilts, which I will never ever sell, as there‘s now only four adult males left in Scotland, including me…and I shalln’t be buying a kilt, as they’re well itchy likesay.”   

* Blimey, asterisks truly are effective enticing allurers!

Reversing Forklift

Instructions Noun [Latin: ‘Et Aversandi Forklift’]

Pretend that you’re sitting tall on an industrial forklift truck, with your left hand grasping the ‘Spinner Knob’ on the steering wheel:

Slip your right thumb into your trouser back pocket, and twist your head around, so that you’re looking behind you.

Then, slowly spin your whole body around on the spot, whilst rotating the steering wheel Spinner Knob with your left hand.

After a couple of full reversing rotations, throw your right thumb up into the air, whack out a big beaming smile then mime ‘Owight Mate!’…

Origins

Dave Smith was a happy chappie, loving husband and dedicated father to his three youngsters, Dave, Dave & Davina. 

He tirelessly worked for over thirty years, as a multi-award-winning forklift truck driver for a well-known retail distribution centre, near Newcastle Upon Tyne. His acclaims of outstanding achievement included ‘Warehouse Employee of the Month’ (213 times), ‘Annual Productivity Award’ (for seven years running) and the enviable ‘Corporate Personality of the Year’ (twice).

All of Dave’s work colleagues respected him dearly, mainly due to his epic driving skills, deep-bellied laughter and general zest for life!

Some folk even thought that Dave was destined to become Managing Director, and although he had countless offers of promotion for superior managerial positions, Dave continued his beloved role as 'Senior Forklift Operative (Area 4)'.

Managing people, falsifying financials and deviously playing around with devilish corporate politics were of absolutely no interest to Dave. All he ever wanted to do was to drive his powered industrial truck around a package-packed warehouse, lifting, storing and retrieving palletised cargos of e-commerce merchandise, with clinical precision.

A few fellow workers would even take annual leave during Dave’s shifts, just to watch him speed around shelving, whip around racking and reversing around restrooms, like a tabard-covered rodeo-rider throwing his buckaroo bronco around an entangled forest, with meticulous exactness!

Global fame ensued forthwith accordingly, as Dave became immortalised forever in the Glennis Book of Records for the ‘Longest Forklift Truck Wheelie’ (17.283m), ‘Longest Free-Flowing Forklift Reverse Spin’ (17.283 hours) and ‘Most 62" LED TVs per Forklift Truckload’ (17.283 TVs). 

Things couldn’t have gone much better for a beaming Dave Smith…until the following year (2003), when things went dramatically downhill. Beaming Dave was beaming no more.

Unfortunately, the well-known retail distribution corporation was taken over by a larger more-well-known American retail distribution corporation, to the anguish of all staff. Within three weeks of the acquisition, an inhumanly ruthless ‘efficiency savings’ drive desecrated Dave’s sacred warehouse of all manual workers, manual lifting equipment and restrooms, to make way for a fully operational, fully automated warehouse, fully filled with funless artificially-intelligenced robot stackers & packers, movers & shakers.

Almost overnight, after thirty tireless years, Dave’s skilful skills became superfluous and his trusty forklift became redundant.

Woe. Full.

However, after three struggling years of tireless & mirthless job seeking misery, Dave Smith once again became a happy chappie, by becoming a local fairground ‘Dodgem Car Attendant’…and folks from miles around came to see him nail reverse spins!

Good on ya Dave Smith, this dance is dedicated to you fella!

El Guitaro

Instructions Noun [Latin: ‘Et Guitaro’]

‘El Guitaro’ is the daddy interpretation of the universally popular ‘Air Guitar’, which is essentially an elaborate and embarrassing imaginary performance of an imaginary rock, heavy-metal or acoustic guitar hero, depending on your favourite music genre, personal style & preference. 

Just throw yourself into an exaggerated impersonation of your treasured guitar-pluckin’ idol, with lashings of lip-synch, sizable shows of solos and mucho riffs of twinkly twangs. Nail it Daddy-O!

Origins

Massive moustachioed José Urbano Angel Nacho (‘JUAN’) was a bad man. A very, very bad man.

In fact, if you could pick a number between 1 and 10, with 1 being ‘Very Good’ and 10 being ‘Very Bad’, then JUAN would have stolen all the numbers before you had a chance to pick one, thrown them all onto a campfire, then rode his horse around the naked flames, cackling like a deranged madman and firing bullets into the sky… just for merry malevolent & malicious mirth!

During the late 19^th Century, evil-eyed JUAN led a hardened bunch of Mexican ‘Pistoleros’ banditos for a decade and a day, creating maniacal mayhem for residents trying to live in peace within the rugged western Mexican province of Sinaloa. All regional inhabitants should’ve been truly sick of JUAN and his Pistoleros bursting into their pioneer pueblos uninvited, and running amuck for days at a time…however, they weren’t.

In fact, they all openly looooooved JUAN visiting them! Hardened men, women, children & Xoloitzcuintlis (Mexican hairless dogs) became obsessed with JUAN and his extraordinary, well-polished addictive talent.

Si Si, bad boy JUAN could play a meeeeeeeeeean Mariachi (popular Mexican music genre).

When Juan came to town, everyone descended into the local Tequila Bar, to spend an evening being hypnotised by the entrancing, fantastical sounds emanating from his Guitarrón Mexicano (large Mexican guitar). JUAN’s hypnotic playing of his enormous, deep-bodied, six-string acoustic bass became legendary, granting him the affectionate nickname of ‘El Guitaro’ (‘The Guitar’ in Mexican).

Like Robin Hood before him, El Guitaro is still considered as a folk legend by folk today, due to the sinister anti-establishmentarian outcomes of his euphoric and playfully pervasive performances.

 

Yer see, the real reason for El Guitaro’s badness twaz his sneaky ability to steal belongings from every member of his audiences, quite literally under their noses.

Whilst hypnotising crowded cantinas and stuffed saloons with his powerful, twiddly crescendos and outrageously dramatic arm swinging chord-plucks, El Guitaro’s band of banditos would prowl around the packed rooms, taking wads from wallets, pearls from purses, opulent necklaces from opulent necks and posh pocket-watches from posh pockets.

Once the Pistoleros had cleared up and scuttled out of the saloon, El Guitaro would explode into a rapturous crescendoed encore, before watching the zombified crowd waddle home in trance-like states, beaming from ear-to-ear.

The reoccurring mystery of precious belongings repeatedly going missing perplexed the people of Sinaloa for a decade and a day. In their hypnotised eyes, they were frustratingly unable to uncover the truth behind the multiple materialistic disappearances, but it definitely didn’t have had anything to do with fleeting visits from their masterful musical maestro, ‘El Guitaro’…even though the instances of thievery immediately stopped once he sadly burnt to death*.

* ‘El Guitaro’ met his maker in 1892, following an unfortunate frenzied Guitarrón Mexicano solo, right next to an unfeasibly large desert campfire, surrounded by his beloved entranced Pistoleros. Regrettably, his zombie followers remained completely unfazed, as he frenziedly tried to extinguish his frazzled clothes of frenzied flames. They all stared for an encore, but their master was already downstairs, due to the devious symphonic demands of Beelzebub.

The Caterpillar

Instructions Noun [Latin: ‘Involvolus’]

Lie on the dancefloor face down, with your legs as straight as possible, and your arms bent either side of your big manly dad chest, so that your palms are touching the floor.

With an explosive, pulsating burst of energy, spring off from the ground with your hands, to kick-start a rippling ‘wave’ effect throughout your entire body, from head to toe.

By energetically shifting weight from your upper to lower body and vice versa, the athletic aim is to try and mimic a wiggly-worm wiggling along forward or backwards, depending on your preference or ability.

Caterpillaring ‘nirvana’ can be achieved by successfully writhing across an entire emptied dancefloor ‘runway’, between two human walls of rapturous shrieking onlookers.

To reach ‘World Dad Dancing Champion’ or ‘Legend’ status, start with a hand-stand or finish off with a jumping ‘Five Star’, as demonstrated on BBC Radio Five Live.

Origins

Soft rays of sunlight rose from the sleepy desert darkness, when King Nebuchadnezzar II gazed admiringly over his terraced creation of natural beauty, the fabled ‘Hanging Gardens of Babylon’.

The year was 562 BC, and this Iraqi ruler justifiably felt pompously smug, self-righteous & egotistically-satisfied for building a true wonder of the ancient World.

As a devoted gesture of love for his wife, Queen Amytis, King Nebuchadnezzar II spent over forty-three years supervising this remarkable irrigating engineering feat, involving an ascending series of intricate tiered gardens of paradise, overlooking the tempting Tower of Babel.

However, little did he know that his splendid Babylonian gardens would all be entirely destroyed within a single month, due the frenzied and relentless eating capabilities of the ‘Pink Bollworm Caterpillar’. Quite literally a single Pink Bollworm Caterpillar.

It has been universally depicted, by numerous ancient scribes, that just one larvae of this voracious feeder dropped into the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, from the wing of a passing pelican, and the resulting caterpillar hatched upon a particularly succulent and mouth-watering ‘Jericho Rose’ plant.

The forthcoming propensity of damage was veraciously insatiable! In other words, proper plant-chomping of Biblical proportions!

Soft rays of sunlight rose from the sleepy desert darkness, when King Nebuchadnezzar II gazed over his terraced gardens of total annihilation!?!  

Just one month later, this Iraqi ruler justifiably felt unpompously unsmug, unselfishly-unrighteous & unegotistically-dissatisfied. In fact, he was totally distraught…and so was Queen Amytis…and the whole of the Babylonian civilisation.

Today, it’s ironic that all modern dads try to celebrate the ‘Caterpillar’ in a creative form of dance, when it actually originates from the total destruction of one of the ‘Seven Wonders of the Ancient World’, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Fact.

Stackin' Shelves

Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Stacking Crusta’]

Pretend that you’re a Supermarket Shelf-Stacker on a nightshift. Stand with an ample stance, parallel to an elevating series of fictitious Supermarket shelves. Then, starting fairly low, use both hands to stack invisible cans of preserved food (e.g. Baked Beans) onto the whimsical racking, in time to the beat. Work your way along each shelf, fancifully filling it with mysterious merchandise, then up to the next theoretical ledge.

Once you’ve filled the top shelf (at a stretch), turn around 90^o and repeat the productive process on a new empty shelving unit, quick-smart, forthwith, accordingly.

Origins

Back in 1982, Yuki Ikizumi knew how to throw a 忍者投げスター (Ninja Throwing Star). From an unripe early age, this Tokyo-based Japanese jouster had extraordinary wrist-flicking powers, which helped him dominate at youth martial arts tournaments, competing with foam Nunchakus, polystyrene Samurai swords and rubber throwing stars.  

Successive years, dedicated to honing these acrobatic sparring skills, put him in good stead for stacking preserved food products at his local ‘Big Ace Supermarket’ (ビッグエース). Now seventeen and skint, Yuki loved to show off his lightning-quick shelf-stacking abilities, during poorly-paid Saturday nightshifts, which became infamously known as the 'Tokyo Shift'.

During these epic supermarket stints, young guns challenged each other to overzealous shelf-stacking bouts, surrounded by jostling crowds of betting ‘Cool Kids’, for phenomenal cash winnings, tightly controlled by blinged-up Japanese gang clans.

Yuki would destroy his product-assorting competition, every time, anytime, and his notorious notoriety turned him into a local legend, due to his uncanny ability to repeatedly stack fifty cans of (sliced) Water Chestnuts in under ten seconds.

Stardom naturally followed Yuki, as well as adoring female fans, and marketing moguls, who desperately scrabbled over each other, to persuade Yuki to stack and endorse their Japanese household-named products. Yuki himself rapidly became a household name, covered in household-named merchandising adverts, from household-named Caps to household-named Shoes.

The pinnacle of fame occurred when Yuki appeared live on Japan's most popular TV show, 'Zip-Zap Ding-a-Ling' endurance gameshow, in which he continuously stacked cans of Baked Beans onto a conveyed shelf for over thirty-seven hours! Herculean effort!

No doubt, the Japanese nation had discovered a new star, with a new irritating 'Stack On, Stack Off!' catchphrase (newly forced by the marketing moguls), which spawned into a new irritating multimillion-pound merchandising empire.

Yuki now lives in relaxed and affluent retirement bliss, surrounded by an adoring family, and he still holds the official World Record for single-handedly stacking 100 packs of Wonton crispy noodles onto a 5ft high, 5ft wide pine shelf (official competition dimensions), in exact 147.38592 seconds.

よくやったよ (Well done Yuki!)